Interning at GM in Detroit reminds me of Freshman year. Because everything is so new and because I didn’t know anyone coming in. I definitely feel more social, more outgoing, and more excited. I like my attitude that I have now.

I don’t really get nervous anymore about first days or anything. Don’t think I ever have. But my first day was awesome! Met my team, who I absolutely LOVE!!! We had a team lunch and they treated. Then had team coffee and they treated AGAIn! Going through training now. Put on three projects. Had lunch with interns several times. Lunch with our group several times. Went to happy hour with our division and met A LOT of people, some i can’t even remember.

At work there’s a system called people finder, so I have been tracking all the interns, teams, and everything. I don’t want to brag or anything… but I think I am in the BEST GROUP and best LOOKING group haha. My group oversees all of GM Europe, North America, South America, and Asia. I also have to work with all the different groups within GFSS. So I get sooo much exposure to everything. Also, my group is very young. Garritt and Jen have been with the firm for just over a year right after college. Mark just got engaged so he talks about pleasing his fiancee a lot haha so funny. Haven’t talked to Craig that much. Erin has a daughter in preschool, so she is still very young and hip! Cesar is from Mexico and he is from UT and very funny! But my mentor told me that my group is the funnest, youngest, and most ideal group for an intern because of the exposure that I’ll get. I definitely think I was very fortunate.

So a little bit about the best looking group. So when I first met the team, I thought I am going to love it because everyone is so funny and young, I am going to have so much fun. And I knew our team is pretty good looking. So I told my roommate about it. This one time I had lunch with the suite mates and coincidentally my team sat right next to us! haha so I mentioned that my team was next to us and everyone was like Jenny they are so good looking. Stop hogging all the men.  So that was when I started thinking. You know. It’s kind of true…. 

Now I basically screwed myself over. So with my personality, I can’t deal with “good looking guys”. They mess with my head and I can’t act normal. So I remember even giving presentation or speaking up in class, I would hesitate or be less confident because “good looking guys” intimidate me. I am more passive towards them. So because my roommates attached so much attention to them, I am starting to notice things… 

My ideal person is someone who is smart, accomplished, can talk current events with esp stocks, funny, has really good manners/chivary, relate-able in terms of hobbies, likes to exercise and do out-doorsy things, travel and take road trips, have fun and do spontaneous things, try new things, loves to go food hopping, preferably Christian, preferably average looking, and have the ability to mentor and teach each other. Totally found a match… so screwed… I have to be able to give presentations and work with our team without thinking that! I wish I wasn’t so “boy crazy”. But can’t tell anyone yet, because I know someone will make fun of me for this! I need help! Therapy!

Recently I’ve been really sensitive about things… especially criticism. I can’t handle it. I always find myself wanting to be someone I’m not. And then failing to be what I want. Then hating myself.

What has happened that has changed me this much? Bubbly was my part. I feel like anger and depression is my current stage. I hate myself more nowadays and can’t accept myself for who I am. It’s frustrating.

I still love and want the things of this world. When can I ever give it up?

Today, was the first time in about a year that I saw him. Part of me wanted to say hey, can we talk. Can we catch up? Can you hear me out and then tell me what to do like always? Can you comfort me with your wisdom? But I was too scared. Then I got really cautious about everything from who I was sitting next to, what I was doing, and what I was saying. My head throbbed harder. I couldn’t focus on anything.

I know I gave the cold shoulder at first. So I should reach out first. But it’s not my style. No matter how much I want to…

So I was talking about going to a trip with my guy friend and my other friend was joking around and said really loudly “what. your going on a trip. just the two of you? sharing a hotel?” I was so scared that he would get the wrong impression.

But, I guess maybe that’s was why it didn’t work out. We tried too hard to be people we are not. For him, he tried hard to put himself out there and party even though he wasn’t like that. For me, I tried being too perfect in every aspect from school to work and just life in general. And I’m stilling doing that when I see you. But I don’t want to do that for anyone.

You always say “I understand how you feel…” But you don’t. If you understood then it won’t be as hard. If you understood, then I would understand by now. But I don’t.

I don’t know what happened this year. And the more I try to understand, the more I get frustrated. But I’ve become more afraid of things that used to not bother me. I feel like I live in anxiety now, at the edge of my seat waiting for my world to collapse on me.

I was always the type that planned things 10 years ahead. If you asked me, I had my career, interior and exterior house design, wedding dress designed and wedding planned, what I plan to teach my kids, what kinds of businesses I’d start, where I would live, and all the little details of life. I always had it planned out. My idol is control. 

But things never go as planned.

I wanted to be someone admirable. I wanted to be smart, read books, hold up intelligent conversations, know current events, be able to draw, play instruments well, and be well..intelligent in everything that I do. I wanted a beautiful family and a job that I love that includes traveling the world. But not only that, I wanted to be a compassionate person. I wanted to volunteer and serve in nonprofit, I wanted to start a nonprofit, go to third world countries and teach kids, I want to be the type of person who can help random strangers on the street without hesitation. I want to be able to care for others and put them ahead of myself. I want to be a good and selfless person.

But I am not.

I don’t know who I have become. But I hate who I am now. I hate my selfishness, greed, jealously, unwillingness to forgive, and mostly I hate my pride.

People say I have everything. I have a good internship, good career success, and resume success, but that means nothing to me anymore. Because I am not happy. These things make me want more. To want to climb higher. And be envious of those who are better. I want to be recognized more and more. I sought approval from the people around me. But why?

When I made 9th in Plano in High School, my parents thought I was going to go to Harvard. Everyone around us knew. But I’m at UT. Whereas all my parents friends’ children go to Yale, Harvard, Princeton, I’m at UT. I’m supposed to excel at UT, but I’m not. I never thought I was good enough. So I kept trying to gain power by recruiting with Morgan Stanley, Goldman Sachs, EY, PwC, Wells Fargo, and getting leadership positions, and working at great internships. The need for power consumed me.

But my parents never cared. It is just so hard for me to understand. Because I thought that what I was doing was for them. But nowadays, every time I call they ask me “did you cry again? are you eating properly? don’t stress out too much. Learn to enjoy yourself. Is someone bullying you? are you going to come home?”

Today, I was really upset. But I didn’t want to bother anyone with my troubles. And I didn’t want to worry my parents. So I tried just thinking about them. But I haven’t seem my parents in 4 months. I forgot what they looked like. I don’t even have pictures of them on my phone.

Sometimes, I just want reassurance. Sometimes, I just want someone to ask “Are you okay?” “Jenny your doing fine. You can take a break now.” Sometimes, I just want a hug or a pat on the back. Sometimes, I just want to know that I am not alone, and that people care.

I used to share this dream with someone. I would be a businesswoman, he would be a doctor. We would have 1 boy 1 girl in a house in the suburb. He helped me find my career, helped me reason things out, helped me stop worrying about useless things, encouraged me to study abroad, gave me so much advice, and helped me plan out my college career. But things ended badly for us. It was my fault like always. I looked at his FB today, and it made me really upset. I was upset at myself for destroying our friendship. I haven’t seen him in a year. But he has definitely been floating in my mind this whole year. Every time, I would compare him to the people around me. Because I felt like he was so perfect and he made me want to be a good person. I want things to go back to normal. But we both changed, I just know it. I hope that someday, I can talk to you normally again. I idolized relationships too much. Because I am afraid to be alone. Because I have that plan to fulfill, where I’d get married at 26.

Everyday, I pray. I pray that God will shine the light to the path that I should go on. I pray that God heals the brokenness inside. That I stop having these idols control myself. When I pray, I feel happy, because I know that after all these struggles, I will become stronger. That these struggles were placed here so that I could go on the right path towards God’s kingdom in Heaven.

Patience. Faith. Trusting that God will take care of me and not leave me behind. This is what I have learned as I continue to grow in Him.

Lastly, I want to thank those who have listened to me this year. My roommates, my small group, my Plano friends, my party friends, my AACM friends, and my ABSA friends. And I want to thank my parents. We never could show our love in my family. But it was always there. Without these people in my life. The people who challenge me, comfort me, talk to me, and reason things out with me. They are the greatest thing that ever happened to me.

There are times when I liked being by myself. Where no one can influence me. Where can think out loud and ask myself. What have I been doing? Am I doing the right things? Are my actions hurting myself or others? Am I happy?

But today, all I wanted was to go home. My parents visited on Saturday for only 2-3 hours. I was just happy to see them, but I wish I went home.

I was planning to go to SXSW since I’m in Austin, but things never go as planned. Ended up getting sick. But I didn’t take off work, because I thought… this was the sacrifice I made instead of being home or having fun with friends… No matter what, work was all I had. So I messed up at work, felt terrible this whole week, and didn’t go to SXSW. So I sat in my bed composing songs instead.  One for me, one for guys appreciation, and one for my parents

Today, I missed home. I missed my parents. I was sick and wished that someone was here. As I was writing the song about my parents, I just couldn’t stop crying. It wasn’t only because I was sick or that I missed them. It was because I had a delayed reaction. I was so happy my parents visited me. I didn’t realize how much I miss them. And also, I feel like I really don’t deserve this much from them. I don’t feel like I did my best to make them proud. I could have done more. 

I wanted to make them happy. I wanted them to make them proud of me. But at some point, I was tired. So I was scared to face them, because I always give them hope and then ended up disappointing them. I wish I could be what they wanted me to be.